Frozen (not like the movie)

Wow, It's been a while since I've written something down here. There have been many, many times I have sat down, put my fingers to the keyboard, and then just sat staring at the screen. I don't know what stopped me - shame, confusion - but each time it did and nothing came out. Today, as I sit at home sick, I hope to be able to successfully share and open up doorways for conversation. (If you don't care about the journey, feel free to skip down to the moral of the story)

This past year and a half I experienced something I had never felt before. Intense anxiety.

It's no secret I have depression. I have always been open about that and always welcome questions to those seeking to better understand, but this was something completely new. It as about a year and a half ago towards the end of the semester I began to have panic attacks when sitting in class. Out of nowhere, I would be overwhelmed with the sense of being trapped, as if because I was in class I had no choice but to remain there. I was caught by the expectation I supposed others had for me that I should remain in my seat the entire time of class. My brain began to act like a wild bird trapped in a garage - flying about in every direction searching for an escape while being completely oblivious to the open door just a few feet below. I couldn't focus and I didn't know what to do.

Because it was the end of the semester, this only lasted a couple weeks before it was finals and I sought relief in just working over the summer. But, the panic did not stay away. Slowly it transitioned to not only a classroom setting, but anytime a large group of people were around. Attending the temple, something I had previously done on a weekly basis, became impossible. Sitting in church meetings, particularly here in Provo where everyone is encouraged to reach out and befriend everyone, was hard. Many times I would simply not go to avoid those feelings. When the new semester rolled around I began to notice how bad this panicked sensation had gotten.

I registered for some classes I was excited for, but as the semester started I found myself crippled by not only the panic when I was in class, but as time progressed the fear of having a panic attack. This led to many days where I would be standing outside the door of my classroom but could not force myself to walk in. I began missing a ton of classes.

The biggest red flag came as the football season approached. For the life of me I couldn't sit through a football game without suffering a panic attack. Many times, Riley would have to walk me home before it had even reached the half. This was insane for me because just the season prior I had celebrated accomplishing a lifetime goal of attending every game both home and away of BYU football's 2015 season. To see such a drastic change was that red flag I needed to seek out help.

Thankfully BYU has a counseling service available on campus. They were able to get me into see a therapist who once again diagnosed me with depression, but this time added on anxiety with a tenancy for panic (or something like that). I was able to work with them and the University Accessibility Center to determine some options to help me work through class. I met with each of my professors to discuss the best course of action and in some cases it was decided dropping the class would be of the greatest benefit. Other times we worked out ways to relieve some of the stress from attending class such as sitting by the door or at times not even attending class but meeting with the professor one on one instead. It wasn't easy, but I wanted to keep working through it.

As time went on things just seemed to get worse. Being at family get togethers was painful; even attending a family wedding was absolute torture as I felt trapped by expectations to smile and be present instead of running away. While some family members and friends understood, others kept pushing to try and help - which in turn would make things worse. One prime example was involving ward members. I hit a point where I was avoiding church most Sundays to avoid interactions with people who would make me feel I needed to do certain things or act a certain way. The unfortunate situation here is the further you take yourself away from the church the more concerned your fellow members get and the more they push you to visit and chat. I remember many Sundays where home or visiting teachers would come by and my stress level would skyrocket. As soon as we closed the door behind them I would fall into tears and spend the next while in Riley's arms just sobbing. It was horrible because it felt that even though I was doing everything possible things were not improving like they should.

This stress caused me to distance myself from so many individuals and I may have burnt some bridges I didn't mean to along the way. (I apologize and am continuing to repair those bridges now)

Cut to a few months ago. Thanks to my mother's continued diligence in researching therapists and options as well as some clear blessings from heaven, I was able to not only get in to see a therapist down here in Provo but I was able to switch and meet a new psychiatrist (the ones who prescribe medication). It was in meeting my psychiatrist that a few interesting things were discovered. When I was on crutches and pretty miserable I went through a point where I was trying new medications to curb the increasingly depressive feelings. One medication that I was put and kept on was actually a stimulant. This specific drug has many possible side effects, one of which is increased panic. Unfortunately, I didn't put two and two together for a year and half until I was talking with the new psychiatrist about what had been going on. I was immediately taken of that specific medication and given somethings to try and normalize the hormones and whatnot in my body.

It's fascinating because in the past few months I have had a significant decrease in panic attacks and all of the symptoms that had arisen around the time I began that medication. Things certainly aren't perfect, but they are getting better. In the past few months, I have not only been able to attend church, but I've sat through all three hours of meetings. I have been able to sit through entire football games without any panic. I'm able to attend class without feeling the intense trapped sensation. There are moments where feeling flash back, but I'm working through them.

Moral of the story: (Actually a couple)

1. Medication can mess with you. Meds aren't a bad thing - there shouldn't be such a stigma surround taking medications for mental health. No one comments where someone with diabetes needs insulin, so no one should comment when someone needs help with mental illnesses. On the same hand, this side of medicine is not an exact science. I have had really good experiences with meds and I have also had some REALLY bad reactions to others. It can take a lot of time to find the right balance and sometimes that requires going to multiple doctors. 

2. Each person needs support differently. You may not know what someone is going through. Sometimes all someone needs is a hug and reassurance that they are not alone. But other times, what someone needs is for you to take a step back and relieve some of the pressure. It's hard for us to know what to do, but that doesn't mean we should stop trying. Even though there were times, caring friends, family, and ward members made things worse I never hated them for it. I was grateful because I could recognize their good intentions. But what meant the most to me was when someone took the time to ask what was going on and then they did what they could to take some of the pressure off. I can't even begin to express my gratitude to those friends who told me that if it was ever hard to not stress about coming to events, or coworkers who gave me a constant pass that if things were bad I didn't need to worry about coming in because they would cover it. Family members stepped up, and stepped back allowing me to maintain a sense of control over what I felt I should participate in. 

Many of us struggle with our own trials, and we also want to be there to help others with their trials. We just need to recognize that each trial is unique and we wont' understand everyone's. But as we open our mind to try and understand we will be able to help each other through this messed up world and make the best of our lives. 

For those who read all the way through, thanks. And if anyone ever wants to talk about finding therapists, or psychiatrists, or medicine, or really anything, I'm hear. I'm more than willing to listen, or talk, as much as you need.

One of the Hardest Battles.

Depression is Real. Depression Sucks.
I found this on Pinterest and it spoke to me.

The idea that this is fighting a war is such a valuable way to describe the experience. 

Looking back on my life I've recognized that I have struggled with depression on and off since I was in junior high. I have some good days where I enjoy the sunshine and laughter of strangers around me. In contrast, there are days where I find myself sobbing on the floor begging God to let me escape this world.
I have always been blessed with understanding that depression isn't something to be ashamed of. It is something that is real and can truly have an impact on an individual. Having depression is something that I have as a way to grow personally, but also to help others.
My experiences are raw and quite emotional, but I am more than willing to share what I have learned as an example to help others who are struggling find hope.


One of my earliest memories of depression was probably 8th-9th grade time period. Honestly, that's a rough time for anyone - we're all in our awkward phase, most of us are trying to figure out who we are, and often childhood friendships fade. I remember simply feeling so alone. Night after night I would cry myself to sleep as I begged God to have someone show me they care. I remember many days I would suffer because instead of feeling as if I was loved, I would be teased or ignored by those I once considered friends. I can't even tell you how long these feelings went on, but I did begin to notice a change. In my nightly prayers I continued to beg to be shown some love. In moments where I was my absolute weakest I remember feeling a sense of warmth wrap around me. It felt as if I was being hugged by someone who cared for me deeply. No one was ever in my room with me, but through what I know to be the Holy Ghost I was able to feel my Heavenly Father and my Savior, Jesus Christ's love. I knew that even if no one on earth cared for me I would be okay because I was loved by someone far greater.


I continued to struggle with depression all throughout high school and was even taken in for counseling. WORSE EXPERIENCE EVER. They aren't kidding when they say your therapist can make all the difference. I don't know why but I just struggled with this therapist. I didn't really feel I was being helped. Eventually I made my way out of my depressive slump, but life continued to be a constant roller coaster.

The most difficult time for me was on my mission. I was a missionary for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I believe with my whole heart the truthfulness of the gospel. I had dreamed of sharing my testimony since I was a young girl and saw my cousins serving missions. I had gained personal testimony that Florida was the area I was supposed to serve in. And I loved many aspects of my mission - the people, the food, it can't be beat.

Despite my faith in the work and the Southern hospitality, the mission was one of the hardest times for me. Each day was a fight to get out of bed and keep going. I had filled myself with a self imposed need for perfection. I was filled with thoughts of self doubt, self hate, and at times the desire to self harm. These feelings would only become intensified when I would listen to my leaders discuss our goals and things we could be striving to do. I would bring more self hate upon myself as I listened and felt as if I was failing to complete these things. Somewhere in my mind I felt if I wasn't perfect I wasn't good enough to be on the earth.
Even though I started to recognize some of these feelings within myself, I kept suppressing them. I told myself it was normal to feel this way and it was what you "should" feel like to inspire better work in the mission field. I honestly had convinced myself this was true until I heard a talk from Elder Jeffrey R. Holland titled "Like a Broken Vessel." If you haven't heard this, go listen to it. It is a powerful testimony from God that having depression is not a sin and isn't even bad. Like really, click on the link and read/listen to it. It could change your life.
https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2013/10/like-a-broken-vessel?lang=eng

Hearing these words changed my life and while I was on my mission I began trying different medications and therapy to help. Despite having amazing people in my life who gave me strength when I could stand no more, my depression seemed only to worsen.

These two girls were some of those who gave me great strength to continue on and I would not have made it through such difficult times without them. 

Unfortunately due to a horrible reaction to a new medication, it was decided I would be best served if I returned home to Utah and received further treatment there. Upon arriving home I underwent some intense therapy and experimented with different medications and dosages until we found a good spot. It wasn't an easy process, but I finally got to a good place in life.

Since then I have continued to go through many ups and downs. Whether it was a struggle with a roommate, a difficult assignment, or sometimes just a rainy day there were times where I would fall into what can only be described as a dark pit of despair. In these moments I don't want to live, nor do I want to die, I simply wish to stop existing. And feeling that way SUCKS. Yet I keep making it.

Now I'm married to my best friend and the greatest strength in my life.

He has supported me through so much and I am eternally grateful for him. With what I have been going through recently, I have been putting him through hell.

Having depression is hard. Having depression as a newlywed, trying to understand the new lifestyle with the blending of finances and traditions and expectations, is even harder. Many newlyweds will experience times of depression and even doubt. As I have tried to balance my new duties as a wife along with school and working, I become overwhelmed. More days than I would care to admit, I find myself expressing self loathing and feeling a desire to self harm. This is only intensified as I see the devastating impacts of my actions on my dear husband. There are many days where I simply cry out that I can no longer to it - I can't handle life anymore.
Yet yesterday my loving husband said something that really hit me hard. He commented on how I keep saying I can't do it anymore, yet I do. I am still here. I am still trying. I am still handling life. I am "doing it" even when I claim I can't. And in that there is great truth.
Depression is hard. I fully believe that there will be times in everyone's life that they experience a level of depression, mild or severe. There may be times we feel as if we can't go on anymore. But we can. We CAN keep going. As I learned in my early teen years, I have a Heavenly Father who loves me. He wants what is best for me and if that means I struggle with depression so be it. I'm not saying I'm going to enjoy it, but I am saying I will get through it. And so will you.

Depression is not talked about enough. For some reason it is as if the subject is taboo. I want to change that. I struggle with depression. I know many of you struggle with depression Life can be ridiculously hard. Trust me, I have been in some extremely dark places in my life. I have felt things I would never wish upon anyone, including any Ute fans (which for a BYU girl like me means something). It is so hard. But WE WILL GET THROUGH. We have a loving Heavenly Father who is there for us and I believe that depression is something that is easier handled when you know someone is on your side.
So if you need a friend, or you need someone to talk to, talk to me. I will answer any questions, I will be there to listen to your tears, I will let you know that you are not alone.

And always remember God loves you more than you could possibly imagine.

Top 15 of 2015 (Part 2)

9. Watching one of my Roommates meet the love of her life and get engaged
Over the summer, I dragged my roommate roller skating - why I still marvel because I never go to ward activities. It was lots of fun, up until she fell for the tenth time and experienced great pain.

Unfortunately, that fall led to her fracturing her ankle. It was a rough go as she suddenly faced all of the challenges involved in that pain, but in the end it turned into a blessing. Because of this, I was able to take her out to my hometown where she met a boy. She and this boy hit it off and ended up getting engaged and is now married!! I was able to watch their love blossom and it was beautiful. 

10. Starting a new Job - Loving it!
In August, one of my friends tipped me off that the family history lab was hiring the day before applications were due. On a whim, I submitted my resume and miraculously I was hired! I love working at the lab. Here I get to help students who are in the basic family history class. We teach workshops on family history tools and sit one on one with them as they work on assignments. It has helped me tremendously in my own research and was a insane blessing for me.

11. Getting Engaged
Less than three months after he got home, Riley finally popped the question. We both knew it was a long time coming, but it was still so nice to have it finally be official. That spurred the intense wedding planning with just over a month of time.

 

12. BYU Bucket list
This year was AMAZING as far as football was concerned. Years ago, I always said 2015 was going to be our year for BYU football and things just fell together in such a way that it really was. My dad and I were able to attend all 12 games in the season - both home and away.

This was such a phenomenal experience! Some games were insane with great endings, others didn't end as we wanted them to, but we still enjoyed it all. 

We went to stadiums across the nation and interacted with some kind fans. 

We even made it onto TV once! This was just a special time with my dad, it ended up being a final hoorah as this was the last major trip that we would take together before my wedding. 

13. Getting Married!!!
November 24, 2015 was one of the greatest days of my life. I was able to enter the Salt Lake Temple and be sealed to Riley for all time and all eternity. As a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, I believe that life continues after death and that through the priesthood power of God we can be sealed together as a family so that our family relationships last beyond death. Knowing I get to be with my dear husband beyond this mortal life gives me strength to get through the trying times.

Our wedding day was an exciting time to celebrate this joyous event with our immediate families with a luncheon. What was also wonderful was our choice to forego a reception leading to us getting to go straight to our honeymoon after the luncheon.

14. Moving into another new apartment
Getting married meant moving into another apartment. I hate moving, but this was one move I really didn't mind since this meant moving in with my "eternal roommate".

It's a cute little place and we are having fun decorating it together. It also is such a blessing to get to wake up every morning and enjoy those moments when Riley is still asleep and I just feel so grateful for my life.

15. Gaining a greater Understanding of God's love for us
Finally one of the biggest things from 2015 was the growth of my testimony in how much our Heavenly Father loves us. I believe that God is my Heavenly Father and that He plays a large role in my life. This year, despite the ups and downs, I have constantly witnessed His love for me. I've seen His love in how things played out in my life and the lives of those around me. Looking back I am able to see a bigger picture of how all the little things led to the great things. I saw this in watching my roommate experience an extremely difficult trial which led to her finding her husband and experiencing the joy that brought her. I saw it in my life as I went from doctor to doctor in search for an answer, but instead developed a greater relationship with my parents. Bonus, I now rock at filling out medical information.

Things may not seem like they are good right now, or they may seem to be falling apart. This isn't so. Everything happens for a reason and most often we won't understand that reason while we were going through that experience. Yet that doesn't mean we can't enjoy each moment. If we take the time to look for the good, we will find it. And as we go through life, we will later be able to look back and see that God knew exactly what we needed at that time. His love for us is amazing and He will never abandon us.

My top 15 from 2015 (Part 1)

When I was on my mission, I wrote an email about my top 13 from 2013 and I've continued this for the past couple years. This may become a problem in 2035 or whatnot, but we'll face that difficulty when I get there.
2015 was a wonderful year. So I present to you, my top 15 things that happened in 2015. (Note, these are in rough order of how they happened, not ranked in order of importance. Because clearly marriage would be the top of that list!)

1. Starting school at BYU... Take 2.
Because of my mission and having to come home early I was kicked out of BYU and had to reapply. I felt like I was going to go back, but it was still a great relief when I found out I was reaccepted. Starting classes again in January was wonderful because I felt I was finally moving forward.

2. Declaring my Major!!! - Family History 
This year I finally found my major. I will admit many people give me looks of bewilderment when I tell them I am majoring in Family History, but I love it. I love learning not only the tricks of hunting down my deceased ancestors, but also learning how to read the handwriting and documents. It awesome to see the penmanship and to work to try and read what it says. When you're finally able to read it is awesome!!!
Anyways, finally declaring my major was a big step for me and I am super excited for what it will lead to throughout the rest of my life.

3. Moving into a new apartment and becoming friends with my roommates
Again going along with starting back at school, I moved into Promenade and gained three new roommates.

These girls are the best. We each had private rooms, which can sometimes lead to seclusion, but we took initiative to become friends. It was exactly what I needed. I loved our games of Nertz, late night donut runs, and talks while we were getting ready in the morning.

There were certainly times we had our disagreements, but overall I am so blessed to have spent the time with them I did. I wouldn't have gotten through the trials I faced during the early part of the year without their guidance and love.

Living with them was definitely a major highlight and life changer in 2015!!




4.  Volunteering at RootsTech
This was a more simple activity, but during these three days I was once again reminded that I was in the right major and on the right career path. For those who don't know, RootsTech is the largest genealogical conference in the world. People flock to Salt Lake City, Utah to learn how to better do their own family history. I worked to check in those attending as well as help monitor classrooms where classes were being taught.

One of the moments that impacted me the most was when I was checking in those who were attending and began a conversation with a girl who was in her mid-twenties from Texas. She was telling us how she has never really heard of family history before, isn't a member of the church, and had never been to Utah before. A couple months prior she had seen an ad for RootsTech and just got this strong feeling she should go. So she bought the necessary ticket/flights/stuff and there she was. I was so amazed at the power of family history and the impact it can have on people's lives. I have no idea how the conference was for her, but her story taught me that the spirit of Elijah is real. Family History is addicting and members of the LDS faith and out can catch the bug!

5. Keeping Doctors in Buisness
This year was full of visiting doctors. At the beginning of the year I started collapsing randomly multiple times a day. Oddly enough, we found this concerning and then spent months going from doctor to doctor to specialist to specialist trying to figure out why this was happening. We ruled out all of the more serious causes such as cancer, brain tumors, heart problems, and all of those that are extremely concerning. Truthfully, we never found out exactly what was going on. We believe it might have been a genetic mutation I have, but it was never confirmed and by August I was no longer experiencing the symptoms. Blessings!! Granted, my purpose here on earth is to keep doctors in business so come October I fell and injured my knee. Yay for more doctors!!! So pretty much September was the only month where I didn't go to the doctors.

This nasty heart monitor I had to wear to see if my heart was having problems. Yay.. 

Even though this was a painful, stressful journey, I'm actually grateful. My relationship with my parents just grew during this process. We spent lots of time sitting in waiting rooms, talking about what our options were, and just spending time together. I feel so much closer to both of them because of my medical struggles.

6. Going to New York
This year I checked off one of my bucket list items by going to Broadway!!! I've been in love with musicals, practically since birth. Getting to go to New York and see multiple plays was AMAZING!!!!!

In New Jersey looking towards the city. 

I look ridiculous... but love my family. #doublechin

We were lucky enough to see Les Miserables, Phantom of the Opera, and everyone's favorite Aladdin. Seriously they were all great shows!! If you get a chance check them out. I personally can't wait to go back to Broadway. So excited I was finally able to go. 

7. Visiting the beautiful Baker 
In May, I was able to take a trip back to where I served my mission. I love the south and am so grateful I could go back to visit the people I had come to love. I was also blessed that I got to go back with one of my sweet companions and enjoy time with her!

Also while we were there I got to see my mission president and his wife - this was special because I didn't get the chance when I left my mission. 

And then of course, while there we celebrated a wedding! It was the main reason we went down to Florida. It was such a joy to watch one of the, if not the, sweetest girls I've ever met get married. It was so special for all of us.

8. Riley Coming Home
Yay! Yay! Yay! For those of you who don't know, spending two years apart from your best friend is extremely difficult. I was so excited the first weeks of July because I knew Riley would be coming home on the 14th. What I wasn't prepared for was how nervous I would get that day. So many thoughts ran through my mind, worries he would hate me, worries we wouldn't be able to talk like we used to. I was so nervous and stressed. Yet, when I got out of my car and walked up to his house he came out to hug me. The instant he wrapped his arms around me I knew everything was going to work out and be okay.
Having him home was/is the best!



So I'm half way, and I'm sorry this is crazy long. It's been a fantastic year!! Anyways, I will finish with the last half of my top 15 soon!

We will never be Abandoned.

Sometimes I just don't get it. Life can be so dang confusing. I still am bewildered by recent events and sit here puzzled. But I also feel I should share,  so prepare yourself for a long post - to fully explain I will have to go back to mid October.

I've been going to BYU football games since I was seven. I know that stadium like the back of my hand. In my 14 years of going I've never had any problems going up and down the bleachers, but due to some fluke step I lost my balance at one of the games. I didn't fall down completely, but my left knee twisted in a way it shouldn't. I immediately felt intense pain, but being in the middle of a wave of people all pushing their way to the exit there wasn't anything to do but keep walking. I hobbled my way out of the stadium and luckily Riley, my fiancé at the time, piggybacked me the rest of the way to the car. The drive home I was still in pain but figured it was just twisted at an uncomfortable angle when I fell and it would be okay in the morning.
Come Sunday and it was not okay. In fact it was much worse. The pain was still intense and my knee was swollen.  My loving father spent four hours at urgent care with me while we waited for a doctor to look at it. When we finally got back there I was taken back for X-rays which confirmed I hadn't broken anything. Their best guess was that my knee cap had become dislocated during my fall, popped back in, and damaged the muscles around it. I was given a brace and told to not put weight on it until I could see an orthopedic specialist. 

Later that week, I went into the doctor where they told me a similar diagnosis. I was told to keep wearing the brace, but I should be fine to walk on it. They sent me to physical therapy to strengthen my quad with a prediction it would be healed in three to four weeks. I went to physical therapy multiple times a week and began to see some improvement. There would be days where I couldn't put any weight on that leg because of the pain, but overall it was looking up. 
Many prayers were being said as my wedding quickly approached. I was still in a brace, but the trainers at physical therapy said it could be normal so even though I was now five weeks since the injury it wasn't bad. Blessings came from heaven as I was able to enjoy my wedding day without pain. I was in a brace, but I was able to kneel and marry the man of my dreams. It truly was a wonderful day, and I'm sure I will discuss it more later. For now here is a picture that I'm in love with! 

Unfortunately, things went downhill from there. I had reached a point at physical therapy where they could no longer do anything for me, I was experiencing intense pain on a daily basis, and I was back to using crutches during the week when the pain was more than I could bear. At this point, I was sent back to the doctor. It had now been a month longer than they had told me for recovery. I was discouraged and simply searching for an answer to escape this pain. 

When I went in, it was a quick visit with them poking my knee in certain places asking if I felt pain. Yes, I did - that's why I'm in here!! Based on what they were seeing they felt it was a torn meniscus, which unfortunately can only be seen through the imaging from an MRI. If it was torn, I was told I would need to go in for surgery in order for it to heal. Hence why I got to spend a few hours during finals week having an MRI done. Let me just tell you now, finals is stressful enough. Adding the stress of possible surgery to that? Disastrous. My grades are far from stellar, but that's all in the past. 

I went in for the MRI and was told I should hear back from the doctor later that day. The next two days were pure torture as I kept waiting to hear the results. It wasn't until two days later the doctor called. 

"So from these images we can't see a tear; although there is a lot of bruising and blood in that area. You'll just need to keep attending physical therapy and if it is still hurting in three months, you can come in and we will go in to scope it out."

As I heard those words, my heart plummeted. In that moment I felt abandoned by God and ready to jump into the giant pit of despair I was standing on the edge of. 

The phone call was short after that as I briefly asked why I was in so much pain still and what could be done. I was informed that it was strange I was in pain, but that I should come into the office to get a cortisone shot the following week. I HATE shots. Like hate, hate, hate. Needles are my number one enemy - yet the week of Christmas I went into the doctor's office to receive that cortisone shot willingly because of how great the pain in my knee was. It was a miserable appointment; not only did I receive the shot, and subsequently pass out from it, but I was also given the chance to talk to the PA about the amount of pain I was experiencing. He said it was odd and again asked me what I was doing for it. I told him I was on ibuprofen almost constantly, icing my knee when needed, and using crutches when the pain became unbearable. As I spoke, that same darkness overwhelmed me. Because of what I said, I was given some strong painkillers as well as the order to continue physical therapy. 

Walking out of that appointment, I figuratively fell into that pit of despair I had been so near. The darkness engulfed me and I felt there was no hope. Worst of all, I felt that God no longer cared about me. In that moment I felt life was no longer worth living. I sat in my car for quite some time simply crying. 

Eventually I made it home where I still continued to cry and wallow in the darkness. My knee was hurting from the shot, I felt so alone, and I had no idea what to do. These feelings continued for quite some time. The holidays were unfortunately not a time of peace and joy because I felt God abandoned me and His love for me had diminished. 

There were times I tried to pray, but felt it was worthless - God didn't care to hear about me. My sweet husband tried his best to help me, but his efforts were fruitless as I found myself sinking deeper and deeper into that dark pit. 

I have had major depression before and I know what it is like; so much so I can recognize the warning signs in myself as I am going down that slippery slope. As I was in such despair over my knee, I saw these warning signs. And that just added to my fear and hopelessness. Many thoughts went through my mind such as the fear of where this darkness would lead, but also confusion because the only way I had gotten through my depression before was with the Savior. How could I lean on Him again if I knew He no longer cared? I was confused and an absolute horror to be around as the darkness and bitterness engulfed me. 

This all changed a little while later. I was still in such a dark place when I was getting ready one afternoon. It had been a horrible day that I had spent in sweats on the couch wallowing, up until the last minute before I had to leave. As I was in the bathroom getting ready, a sense of peace I had not felt in a long time swept over me like a breath of fresh air. With this peace, a clear thought came to my mind. "You are not alone. You have not been abandoned. I love you more than you can imagine. Perhaps the doctor did not see anything at this time because right now you and your body are not in the position to undergo the surgery it would require to fix this."  

Even now as I write this I am overcome by the peace that I felt at that time. It was as if a light was suddenly illuminated in my life, pushing all the darkness that had long been my companion out of my life. I walked out of the bathroom that day with a renewed hope in life. I still felt great pain, but I realized God hadn't left me. He was still there. I was reminded of this quote from President Thomas S. Monson

Image from lds.org

Because of that guidance and peace I received from the Holy Ghost, I found myself with a renewed drive to find an answer. I still felt very unsettled with the results the doctor had given to me and after discussing things with my husband and parents it was decided the best option would be to get a second opinion. As this conclusion was reached, I again felt that wave of peace wash over me. I knew this was the direction I should go. 

This peace was confirmed when I again went into physical therapy and discussed options with them. There we discussed that they had been doing everything for a meniscus and as far as strength goes, I was back to where I should be. They stated their skepticism in the diagnosis as they saw the amount of pain I was in. As I discussed everything with them, they agreed that seeing another doctor would probably be the best option.

Just last week I went into the new doctor for the second opinion. This was the most thorough appointment I have had concerning my knee. It was uncomfortable as my knee was poked, prodded, twisted, and bent in every which way as they tried to understand exactly what was wrong. As the appointment continued it was established that my knee cap had never popped out of place, when I had fallen I had simply damaged the ligaments and tendons around my knee. Result? The brace I had been wearing for the past three months had been useless, as well as the physical therapy. 

The doctor listened as I described my pain, and noted that while it seemed that yes, I had damaged my meniscus, there was something else going on. At this point, based upon what he saw on the MRI and what he had seen punishing my knee, his best bet was that I had also damaged this ligament/tendon/muscle/thing that crosses across the top of my knee cap. This wouldn't show up in an MRI or any x-ray, but could still cause quite a bit of pain. Because there isn't a way to prove if this is what it is, I was given another cortisone shot (this time in the central area the pain is found) and told to see if it would begin to feel better in two weeks. If, when the doctor calls in two weeks, I am not feeling any improvement, then I will go in for surgery for this ligament/tendon/muscle/thing to be removed. 

And that is where I am at now. I am again playing the waiting game, but this time I am at peace with it. I don't know why I was misdiagnosed multiple times, hence resulting in months of going through the wrong type of treatment. I don't know why I have been going through this injury and trial. I don't know why these past few months have been such a waiting game. But what I do know is that God knows what we are going through. He understands and knows what is best for us. Even if we don't know or can't understand that ourselves. There will be times in our lives where we must face difficult things. The nature of this difficulty will vary based upon what we can handle at the time, but one thing will always remain sure. No matter how difficult it becomes - we do not have to face it alone. 

Looking back, I can see that I was never abandoned. I see Heavenly Father's hand in my life as I see that I was able to kneel at the altar to marry my best friend. I see His hand in the blessing of kind coworkers who looked out for me. I see His hand in that my husband was able to take work off at times to spend time with me. There have been so many small, tender mercies in my life the past few months that I didn't see at the time, but now looking back testify to me that Heavenly Father loves me. He is aware of me and my every need. 

BIG DAY!!

Tomorrow is the big day. In less than 24 hours, I will no longer be Brenna Imlay, single, carefree, alone. I will be married!!! I'm still not sure it's set in, but I'm beyond excited!

I'm excited to be Brenna Ernst. 

I'm excited to become a new family. 

I'm excited for this new chapter in my life. 

Yet, that doesn't mean I haven't felt nervous or worried at times. During these past few months, I have read and reread The Family: A Proclamation to the World many times. I have treasured my class where we have dissected it, comparing what we read from the prophets to what has been learned by scholars during numerous studies. It still astounds me how often those two aspects go hand in hand. Studies are proving what God and prophets have been saying for hundreds of years. I have looked to this document and the new knowledge I have about it as guidance as I prepare myself for marriage.

What is found within here WILL change your life. As you live by these teachings, you will find happiness. 

I may not be married yet, but tomorrow I am excited to start practicing the commandments for husband and wife. I'm excited to show the love of my life how important he is to me. I can't wait for us to come together as we face the trials of life, and as we learn to conquer them together - both of us leaning on the Lord.
The family is such an important part of our lives. We would not be here if it were not for families. I KNOW of their importance, and I promise you as you heed the council of latter-day prophets to strengthen your own family, you will see blessings beyond what you can imagine.
I plan on doing this in my own marriage and look forward to seeing the blessings.


Your Heavenly Father loves you, He has given you so many resources to help. Allow yourself to lean on Him and what He has provided. We can get through anything - including the terrifying aspects of marriage.

Timing is Right.

Today I want to share going one last thing I've learned that has changed my perspective on families.
God's Timing is far greater than ours.

One of the wonderful aspects of the gospel of Jesus Christ is stated in this section of the Family Proclamation. It reads, "In the premortal realm, spirit sons and daughters knew and worshipped God as their Eternal Father and accepted His plan by which His children could obtain a physical body and gain earthly experience to progress toward perfection and ultimately realize their divine destiny as heirs of eternal life." There are many beautiful truths found within this statement, but the one I want to discuss is that it was God's plan for us to gain earthly experience. 

GOD HAS A PLAN FOR YOU. 

Do you grasp how powerful a statement that is? This doesn't mean you don't have control over your life. You have your choices and your agency, but it means that when something happens in your life it means there is a reason. 

During the past few years I have gone through some experiences that have made me question why my life was going the way it was, yet now in retrospect it is powerful testimony because things worked out in such a way I can't imagine my life going any other direction. Things worked out. Even when I couldn't imagine my life realigning, somehow it did.

This principle applies greatly to relationships, marriage, and families. There is always the statement that you won't find love until you stop looking. You hear story after story of how someone fell in love when it wasn't "convenient". This is where that principle applies. God has a plan for you that you may not understand. Often this includes bringing people into your life when you aren't expecting it.
Sometimes this may be a friend, sometimes a future spouse, and for those who are married sometimes a surprise child.

To trust Him, means keeping your heart and mind open to these opportunities. You may have a plan for your life, but if He brings someone into it there is a reason. They will make your life better. You may have to adjust your idea of how your life will go, but it will be so much better. Things will become wonderful.
Recognize that His timing is grand; His timing is perfect.