I found this on Pinterest and it spoke to me.
The idea that this is fighting a war is such a valuable way to describe the experience.
Looking back on my life I've recognized that I have struggled with depression on and off since I was in junior high. I have some good days where I enjoy the sunshine and laughter of strangers around me. In contrast, there are days where I find myself sobbing on the floor begging God to let me escape this world.I have always been blessed with understanding that depression isn't something to be ashamed of. It is something that is real and can truly have an impact on an individual. Having depression is something that I have as a way to grow personally, but also to help others.
My experiences are raw and quite emotional, but I am more than willing to share what I have learned as an example to help others who are struggling find hope.
One of my earliest memories of depression was probably 8th-9th grade time period. Honestly, that's a rough time for anyone - we're all in our awkward phase, most of us are trying to figure out who we are, and often childhood friendships fade. I remember simply feeling so alone. Night after night I would cry myself to sleep as I begged God to have someone show me they care. I remember many days I would suffer because instead of feeling as if I was loved, I would be teased or ignored by those I once considered friends. I can't even tell you how long these feelings went on, but I did begin to notice a change. In my nightly prayers I continued to beg to be shown some love. In moments where I was my absolute weakest I remember feeling a sense of warmth wrap around me. It felt as if I was being hugged by someone who cared for me deeply. No one was ever in my room with me, but through what I know to be the Holy Ghost I was able to feel my Heavenly Father and my Savior, Jesus Christ's love. I knew that even if no one on earth cared for me I would be okay because I was loved by someone far greater.
I continued to struggle with depression all throughout high school and was even taken in for counseling. WORSE EXPERIENCE EVER. They aren't kidding when they say your therapist can make all the difference. I don't know why but I just struggled with this therapist. I didn't really feel I was being helped. Eventually I made my way out of my depressive slump, but life continued to be a constant roller coaster.
The most difficult time for me was on my mission. I was a missionary for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I believe with my whole heart the truthfulness of the gospel. I had dreamed of sharing my testimony since I was a young girl and saw my cousins serving missions. I had gained personal testimony that Florida was the area I was supposed to serve in. And I loved many aspects of my mission - the people, the food, it can't be beat.
Despite my faith in the work and the Southern hospitality, the mission was one of the hardest times for me. Each day was a fight to get out of bed and keep going. I had filled myself with a self imposed need for perfection. I was filled with thoughts of self doubt, self hate, and at times the desire to self harm. These feelings would only become intensified when I would listen to my leaders discuss our goals and things we could be striving to do. I would bring more self hate upon myself as I listened and felt as if I was failing to complete these things. Somewhere in my mind I felt if I wasn't perfect I wasn't good enough to be on the earth.
Even though I started to recognize some of these feelings within myself, I kept suppressing them. I told myself it was normal to feel this way and it was what you "should" feel like to inspire better work in the mission field. I honestly had convinced myself this was true until I heard a talk from Elder Jeffrey R. Holland titled "Like a Broken Vessel." If you haven't heard this, go listen to it. It is a powerful testimony from God that having depression is not a sin and isn't even bad. Like really, click on the link and read/listen to it. It could change your life.
https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2013/10/like-a-broken-vessel?lang=eng
Hearing these words changed my life and while I was on my mission I began trying different medications and therapy to help. Despite having amazing people in my life who gave me strength when I could stand no more, my depression seemed only to worsen.
Unfortunately due to a horrible reaction to a new medication, it was decided I would be best served if I returned home to Utah and received further treatment there. Upon arriving home I underwent some intense therapy and experimented with different medications and dosages until we found a good spot. It wasn't an easy process, but I finally got to a good place in life.
Since then I have continued to go through many ups and downs. Whether it was a struggle with a roommate, a difficult assignment, or sometimes just a rainy day there were times where I would fall into what can only be described as a dark pit of despair. In these moments I don't want to live, nor do I want to die, I simply wish to stop existing. And feeling that way SUCKS. Yet I keep making it.
Now I'm married to my best friend and the greatest strength in my life.
Having depression is hard. Having depression as a newlywed, trying to understand the new lifestyle with the blending of finances and traditions and expectations, is even harder. Many newlyweds will experience times of depression and even doubt. As I have tried to balance my new duties as a wife along with school and working, I become overwhelmed. More days than I would care to admit, I find myself expressing self loathing and feeling a desire to self harm. This is only intensified as I see the devastating impacts of my actions on my dear husband. There are many days where I simply cry out that I can no longer to it - I can't handle life anymore.
Yet yesterday my loving husband said something that really hit me hard. He commented on how I keep saying I can't do it anymore, yet I do. I am still here. I am still trying. I am still handling life. I am "doing it" even when I claim I can't. And in that there is great truth.
Depression is hard. I fully believe that there will be times in everyone's life that they experience a level of depression, mild or severe. There may be times we feel as if we can't go on anymore. But we can. We CAN keep going. As I learned in my early teen years, I have a Heavenly Father who loves me. He wants what is best for me and if that means I struggle with depression so be it. I'm not saying I'm going to enjoy it, but I am saying I will get through it. And so will you.
Depression is not talked about enough. For some reason it is as if the subject is taboo. I want to change that. I struggle with depression. I know many of you struggle with depression Life can be ridiculously hard. Trust me, I have been in some extremely dark places in my life. I have felt things I would never wish upon anyone, including any Ute fans (which for a BYU girl like me means something). It is so hard. But WE WILL GET THROUGH. We have a loving Heavenly Father who is there for us and I believe that depression is something that is easier handled when you know someone is on your side.
So if you need a friend, or you need someone to talk to, talk to me. I will answer any questions, I will be there to listen to your tears, I will let you know that you are not alone.
And always remember God loves you more than you could possibly imagine.
