Sometimes I just don't get it. Life can be so dang confusing. I still am bewildered by recent events and sit here puzzled. But I also feel I should share, so prepare yourself for a long post - to fully explain I will have to go back to mid October.
I've been going to BYU football games since I was seven. I know that stadium like the back of my hand. In my 14 years of going I've never had any problems going up and down the bleachers, but due to some fluke step I lost my balance at one of the games. I didn't fall down completely, but my left knee twisted in a way it shouldn't. I immediately felt intense pain, but being in the middle of a wave of people all pushing their way to the exit there wasn't anything to do but keep walking. I hobbled my way out of the stadium and luckily Riley, my fiancé at the time, piggybacked me the rest of the way to the car. The drive home I was still in pain but figured it was just twisted at an uncomfortable angle when I fell and it would be okay in the morning.
Come Sunday and it was not okay. In fact it was much worse. The pain was still intense and my knee was swollen. My loving father spent four hours at urgent care with me while we waited for a doctor to look at it. When we finally got back there I was taken back for X-rays which confirmed I hadn't broken anything. Their best guess was that my knee cap had become dislocated during my fall, popped back in, and damaged the muscles around it. I was given a brace and told to not put weight on it until I could see an orthopedic specialist.
Later that week, I went into the doctor where they told me a similar diagnosis. I was told to keep wearing the brace, but I should be fine to walk on it. They sent me to physical therapy to strengthen my quad with a prediction it would be healed in three to four weeks. I went to physical therapy multiple times a week and began to see some improvement. There would be days where I couldn't put any weight on that leg because of the pain, but overall it was looking up.
Many prayers were being said as my wedding quickly approached. I was still in a brace, but the trainers at physical therapy said it could be normal so even though I was now five weeks since the injury it wasn't bad. Blessings came from heaven as I was able to enjoy my wedding day without pain. I was in a brace, but I was able to kneel and marry the man of my dreams. It truly was a wonderful day, and I'm sure I will discuss it more later. For now here is a picture that I'm in love with!
Unfortunately, things went downhill from there. I had reached a point at physical therapy where they could no longer do anything for me, I was experiencing intense pain on a daily basis, and I was back to using crutches during the week when the pain was more than I could bear. At this point, I was sent back to the doctor. It had now been a month longer than they had told me for recovery. I was discouraged and simply searching for an answer to escape this pain.
When I went in, it was a quick visit with them poking my knee in certain places asking if I felt pain. Yes, I did - that's why I'm in here!! Based on what they were seeing they felt it was a torn meniscus, which unfortunately can only be seen through the imaging from an MRI. If it was torn, I was told I would need to go in for surgery in order for it to heal. Hence why I got to spend a few hours during finals week having an MRI done. Let me just tell you now, finals is stressful enough. Adding the stress of possible surgery to that? Disastrous. My grades are far from stellar, but that's all in the past.
I went in for the MRI and was told I should hear back from the doctor later that day. The next two days were pure torture as I kept waiting to hear the results. It wasn't until two days later the doctor called.
"So from these images we can't see a tear; although there is a lot of bruising and blood in that area. You'll just need to keep attending physical therapy and if it is still hurting in three months, you can come in and we will go in to scope it out."
As I heard those words, my heart plummeted. In that moment I felt abandoned by God and ready to jump into the giant pit of despair I was standing on the edge of.
The phone call was short after that as I briefly asked why I was in so much pain still and what could be done. I was informed that it was strange I was in pain, but that I should come into the office to get a cortisone shot the following week. I HATE shots. Like hate, hate, hate. Needles are my number one enemy - yet the week of Christmas I went into the doctor's office to receive that cortisone shot willingly because of how great the pain in my knee was. It was a miserable appointment; not only did I receive the shot, and subsequently pass out from it, but I was also given the chance to talk to the PA about the amount of pain I was experiencing. He said it was odd and again asked me what I was doing for it. I told him I was on ibuprofen almost constantly, icing my knee when needed, and using crutches when the pain became unbearable. As I spoke, that same darkness overwhelmed me. Because of what I said, I was given some strong painkillers as well as the order to continue physical therapy.
Walking out of that appointment, I figuratively fell into that pit of despair I had been so near. The darkness engulfed me and I felt there was no hope. Worst of all, I felt that God no longer cared about me. In that moment I felt life was no longer worth living. I sat in my car for quite some time simply crying.
Eventually I made it home where I still continued to cry and wallow in the darkness. My knee was hurting from the shot, I felt so alone, and I had no idea what to do. These feelings continued for quite some time. The holidays were unfortunately not a time of peace and joy because I felt God abandoned me and His love for me had diminished.
There were times I tried to pray, but felt it was worthless - God didn't care to hear about me. My sweet husband tried his best to help me, but his efforts were fruitless as I found myself sinking deeper and deeper into that dark pit.
I have had major depression before and I know what it is like; so much so I can recognize the warning signs in myself as I am going down that slippery slope. As I was in such despair over my knee, I saw these warning signs. And that just added to my fear and hopelessness. Many thoughts went through my mind such as the fear of where this darkness would lead, but also confusion because the only way I had gotten through my depression before was with the Savior. How could I lean on Him again if I knew He no longer cared? I was confused and an absolute horror to be around as the darkness and bitterness engulfed me.
This all changed a little while later. I was still in such a dark place when I was getting ready one afternoon. It had been a horrible day that I had spent in sweats on the couch wallowing, up until the last minute before I had to leave. As I was in the bathroom getting ready, a sense of peace I had not felt in a long time swept over me like a breath of fresh air. With this peace, a clear thought came to my mind. "You are not alone. You have not been abandoned. I love you more than you can imagine. Perhaps the doctor did not see anything at this time because right now you and your body are not in the position to undergo the surgery it would require to fix this."
Even now as I write this I am overcome by the peace that I felt at that time. It was as if a light was suddenly illuminated in my life, pushing all the darkness that had long been my companion out of my life. I walked out of the bathroom that day with a renewed hope in life. I still felt great pain, but I realized God hadn't left me. He was still there. I was reminded of this quote from President Thomas S. Monson
Image from lds.org
Because of that guidance and peace I received from the Holy Ghost, I found myself with a renewed drive to find an answer. I still felt very unsettled with the results the doctor had given to me and after discussing things with my husband and parents it was decided the best option would be to get a second opinion. As this conclusion was reached, I again felt that wave of peace wash over me. I knew this was the direction I should go.
This peace was confirmed when I again went into physical therapy and discussed options with them. There we discussed that they had been doing everything for a meniscus and as far as strength goes, I was back to where I should be. They stated their skepticism in the diagnosis as they saw the amount of pain I was in. As I discussed everything with them, they agreed that seeing another doctor would probably be the best option.
Just last week I went into the new doctor for the second opinion. This was the most thorough appointment I have had concerning my knee. It was uncomfortable as my knee was poked, prodded, twisted, and bent in every which way as they tried to understand exactly what was wrong. As the appointment continued it was established that my knee cap had never popped out of place, when I had fallen I had simply damaged the ligaments and tendons around my knee. Result? The brace I had been wearing for the past three months had been useless, as well as the physical therapy.
The doctor listened as I described my pain, and noted that while it seemed that yes, I had damaged my meniscus, there was something else going on. At this point, based upon what he saw on the MRI and what he had seen punishing my knee, his best bet was that I had also damaged this ligament/tendon/muscle/thing that crosses across the top of my knee cap. This wouldn't show up in an MRI or any x-ray, but could still cause quite a bit of pain. Because there isn't a way to prove if this is what it is, I was given another cortisone shot (this time in the central area the pain is found) and told to see if it would begin to feel better in two weeks. If, when the doctor calls in two weeks, I am not feeling any improvement, then I will go in for surgery for this ligament/tendon/muscle/thing to be removed.
And that is where I am at now. I am again playing the waiting game, but this time I am at peace with it. I don't know why I was misdiagnosed multiple times, hence resulting in months of going through the wrong type of treatment. I don't know why I have been going through this injury and trial. I don't know why these past few months have been such a waiting game. But what I do know is that God knows what we are going through. He understands and knows what is best for us. Even if we don't know or can't understand that ourselves. There will be times in our lives where we must face difficult things. The nature of this difficulty will vary based upon what we can handle at the time, but one thing will always remain sure. No matter how difficult it becomes - we do not have to face it alone.
Looking back, I can see that I was never abandoned. I see Heavenly Father's hand in my life as I see that I was able to kneel at the altar to marry my best friend. I see His hand in the blessing of kind coworkers who looked out for me. I see His hand in that my husband was able to take work off at times to spend time with me. There have been so many small, tender mercies in my life the past few months that I didn't see at the time, but now looking back testify to me that Heavenly Father loves me. He is aware of me and my every need.
